It’s All In The Details.

Most men who live below budget rarely get to be praised and appreciated because they always fall short. They provide, but not well enough. They are literally battered at work and disrespected at home. They are pushed around by everyone.

They are a middle aged couple with four children. The wife, is not employed. She has been trying small scale businesses and taking casual jobs since they got married. She has never had a stable source of income.

Most of the times, she stays at home and runs their home. Her husband works at a construction site. He doesn’t earn much, but it’s usually enough to cater for their basics. Victoria and Hector Oboke’s family knows how to do without and make the best out of every situation.

When you meet the Obokes out on the streets, you would be forgiven to imagine that they are very well to do. Their clothes are always neat, impeccable and well coordinated. Most of which are hand me downs from their ‘rich’ relatives. All thanks to the woman of the house, who knows how to make the most of whatever her husband brings home. I bet she can draw water out of a stone.

Every Saturday afternoon, the family goes out to the park where their children let loose and mingle freely with other children from all walks of life. This allows the parents some quiet time to connect and rekindle their passionate flames. This has become some sort of a family tradition. It’s amazing, how wholesome life can be for those who know how to live life.

One day, their child fell sick. The couple could not afford to take him to be seen by a pediatrician. So they did what many parents in their neighborhood do; they took the child to the pharmacy where they got some medicine prescribed by the chemist. When that did not work, they would go to see a general practitioner because that’s whom they could afford to pay with their already maxed up NHIF medical card.

One evening, the child’s illness persisted beyond control, the wife decided to rush the child to see the pediatrician. It was almost dusk when she arrived at the clinic. The child was treated, but it costed more than they would normally afford. The mother used some of the cash given by her husband for school fees; to settle the medical bill. She saw that the health of one child was much more important to safeguard than the education of another.

When her husband learnt of what transpired, he was stressed out. He felt that, if she had taken the child back to a pharmacy, they wouldn’t have had to spend money they didn’t even have. It’s not as if he didn’t care about the health of their sick child. When caught between a rock and a hard place, most people lose their clarity of mind. Hector Oboke was no exception. He was just a man who was stuck in a rut, trying to make ends meet.

Soon after, their other child was suspended from school due to school fees arrears. This added coal to an already burning fire. According to Hector, his wife should figure out how she would settle the fees after all, she was the one who made the decision to spend the money meant for school fees. Victoria felt that, her husband should have tried to get a soft loan to settle the school fees since she has no source of income. She was very grieved and insisted that; given the circumstances she had acted in the best possible interest of their child and she wanted her husband to acknowledge that and step up to the challenge rather than harboring resentment towards her.

This is a typical scenario where conflict arises between two well meaning partners. Their’s is a great relationship. Many couples will fall apart the moment you remove money from their relationships or should stressors be introduced. This strong couple has stood the test of time and difficulty. They have great potential. Even though it appears that they are both overtaken by their current situation and are in a state of tunnel vision. They should be able to look out of the box and appreciate each other wholeheartedly, never losing focus of the bigger picture.

Let’s break it down.

Hector blames Victoria for spending money on their child’s health, hence he wants his unemployed wife to figure out how to sort out the school fees.

This is an outburst from Hector who cannot bear the fact that his budget was disrupted. It is meant to hurt Victoria, intentionally or not; it will deliver the hurt. This is unnecessary and counterproductive. He should indeed, step up to the challenge and work towards fixing the situation.

Victoria on the other hand, blames him for not being able to provide sufficiently. She wants him to find a way of covering the deficit in their budget.

This is the ideal or romantic expectation. She should manage her expectations and be in touch with the reality. There is the Reality vs. Ideal. In reality, she oughts to empathize with Hector’s situation as the provider and comfort him during the period that their child might not be able to attend school due to lack of school fees. It is very difficult for a loving father to be unable to provide for his children’s needs. This is something that seriously deflates his masculinity. Most women don’t understand this, so they tend to complain and complain, demand and demand, criticize and criticize. These only build resentment in your relationship. Please have some empathy for the provider for it is a very burdensome load.

The both of them need to shelve their emotions; the outbursts and unrealistic expectations and invest positive energy instead.

Hector is failing his wife by not appreciating her for being such a good mother and home maker. Most stay at home mothers and even working mothers don’t get the recognition that they deserve. He should call out that responsible mother in her and applaud her decision to take the child to a pediatrician even if it cost far more than they could afford at the time. She needs him to approve her and endorse her action. We all have that secret need inside us that begs to be fed. Had she done otherwise and things gone hay way, the repercussions would have been greater. We are talking about the life and health of a child vs. The education of another.

Victoria should appreciate her husband for his provision. She needs to forgive him for being so one track minded and understand that providing is one of the heaviest responsibilities weighing upon a man’s shoulders and its sympathetically understandable when he reacts in a certain way due to a disruption on his already under financed budget. She needs to be able to embrace the situation at hand, accepting that their child would better be off on suspension than have another child sick and uncatered for. When she embraces the situation, she removes pressure from Hector to find alternative ways to raise money to cater for the school fees arrears. When she appreciates him and praises him for having put money in her hands that helped save their child from sickness; she would give him so much pride, confidence and courage to go out and work harder in order to supply the difference.

Most men who live below budget rarely get to be praised and appreciated because they always fall short. They provide, but not well enough. They are literally battered at work and disrespected at home. They are pushed around by everyone. From the landlord to the school, to the grocery shop owner… I encourage women to empathize with their men rather than pile demands on them.

So many times, we fail to speak tenderly to each other’s souls perhaps because life happens and we are just caught up in trying to make ends meet that we do not see all the beautiful spring flowers in bloom all around us. Sometimes we worry so much about what we don’t have that we forget to stop and enjoy what we have.

There are times that we totally overlook the small things our spouses do. Like when they park on reverse so that we can drive out with ease. Like when they buy our clothes or when they take good care of them. Or keep the home front in order, taking care of the kids and standing in the gap for you, when you are out there toiling. When they try to reduce expenses so as to balance the family budget. Isn’t it strange that when they try to understand us by asking questions, we tend to label them as prying? Most of the times, we overlook the fact that when our spouses are irritable and withdrawn, they could be just tired or stressed… like we are, if not more. The list of scenarios is endless.

Yet, love is not found in the big things but in the tiny little acknowledgments of day to day living. Get that, it’s very important. It’s the small things that matter the most. Things like a kind word during a difficult moment, sympathetic understanding, overlooking shortcomings, reassurance, praise and gratitude. It’s these small things that set couples apart.

Couples ought to stop taking each other for granted and start being more appreciative of one another. Receive with humility every act of kindness offered to you. Especially when you think it’s your entitlement. We hurt our loved ones when we focus on their frailties and overlook all their daily investments to the relationship. Look towards your spouse’s better side. Remember that every great relationship is a result of hard work and great sacrifice.

Make it what you pray for it to be. Prayer is the attitude of the mind. Live your prayer. Believe it and receive it.

Here’s the disclaimer; faith without action is dead.

Work your love, friends.

#WorkItOut