The Beast.

The phone rang three times before I picked it up. I had been sitting on the balcony of my room chasing the evening sun and sipping something fermented. On the other side was my friend Francis. He wanted to know if I could join him for a game. I wasn’t sure that i wanted to, because I was already having such a good time all by myself.

That, and the usual female querries of what to wear… considering that I wasn’t packed for an outing. He insisted and I gave in, tatters and all… works like magic sometimes. I wasn’t doing much after duty in a foreign country, anyway. Besides; one of our good friends had sent her brother to pick us up from our hotel and take us to where she was. She had planned to hang out with the both us, together with her husband and a few friends. It was the world cup season of 2018 and needless to say, football does bring people together.

On our drive, we got sharing about the piece of writing that i was working on most recently.  The topic interested him and we talked in depth.  He gave me insights and helped bring out the masculine dimension in this article. He edited and proof read it before I published it. I am very thankful and honored by your friendship and your support.

The story.

There is a man who was cheating his wife for a long time. His wife knew about it, but felt helpless towards stopping it. When the affair finally went soar, he came back to his wife and asked for her forgiveness. His wife “forgave him” but she went on and hooked herself up with another man. She didn’t just cheat on him, she even got married to someone else while still living with him and… he wasn’t invited to the marriage ceremony. He didn’t even know about it, until he saw pictures of his wife’s marriage to another man posted on her social media page.

Most men argue that they were created with a promiscuous streak. That they are naturally bound to have many relationships and women should accept it as normal. Just the way they weren’t allowed to eat gizzards and chicken, women are still expected to be with only one man.

Chest beating men declare that they cannot and will never have the capacity to forgive or accept back a woman who has been unfaithful. Yet, in a strange twist of events, they would want to be forgiven and accepted back unconditionally under the same circumstances. This attitude is beyond bizarre.

I am not here to discuss gender issues neither am I rooting for promiscuity. I am just trying to put across the point that men and women are first humans. When they treat each other as fellow humans in a relationship, things will be better for both genders.

The issue here is that men give themselves allowances to do things in a certain way while expecting women to tow the line. Women are not very different from men. One of the things that stands out is the ego. The jilted woman’s ego was hurt, so she went out and in return, hurt the husband. Only that she did it with a pinch of salt. Revenge is egotistical. It comes out of a hurtful place. When men cheat, women are hurt in the very same magnitude that men are hurt when their women cheat on them.

It is always assumed that men are egoistic and women are not. I have come to find that statement to be quite untrue. Women have been trained to subdue their egos and men have not. Men celebrate their ego as part of their masculinity. That’s the only difference. When badly bruised, the beast comes out of humans; male or female, lashing out at it’s aggressor without compassion or compromise.

Really, that is what the ego is. A beast, capable of tearing the relationship down to it’s foundations. This beast must be muzzled and brought into complete submission and even possible death. Ego will deal you bad. It will embarrass you irreparably. Ego destroys the chance of restoration. Ego demands to be satisfied, at the expense of everything else.

I will give it to you that egoistic expressions only inspire disgust and resentment. You paint a picture of a toddler who is not in charge of his/her emotions. Therefore, you do yourself the disservice of presenting yourself as a weakling before the very person you want to impress.

One of the biggest battles that you will fight, will have to be with your ego. To bring it under your authority. Allowing it never to raise it’s ugly head in unwelcome spaces. The respect you so deeply crave, cannot be inspired by random outbursts of egoism.

Respect is something that is given to, and not taken from a person. It is a gift, not an entitlement. It is a result, not the cause. You don’t EXPECT to be respected. You don’t deserve to be respected. You INSPIRE others, and in turn, you EARN their respect.

Anyone who is to be respected must be respectable. If you feel that you are not being respected, you should turn inwardly and inquire within yourself. It is your call. How have you presented yourself? Have you shown respect to others and lived in a manner worthy of respect?

Did you inspire admiration or contempt? How have you handled your partner when she/he fell short. Did you rise above the situation or did you allow yourself to be sucked into it?

When I started writing this article, I thought I would write it for men. Since men are known for their huge egos. As I went on writing, it became clear to me that it was also for women and every person in any form of relationship. Ego is pride in oneself. It’s not limited to the male species.

Women need to be respected just as much as men do. Our society has always downplayed the importance of mutual respect in any form of a relationship. Society has sold women short. It has also failed to raise and equip men to respect women.

To paraphrase the legendary life coach Dr. Myles Munroe: Most men were raised to view women as little more than sexual objects to be possessed and used at will. Never learning any different, they carry that mentality into their relationships and even marriage.

God created man — male and female — in his own image. He created them equal in every significant way. Husbands and wives who see each other as made in God’s image will never have issues with respect.

I have had many conversations with both men and women about this topic. One thing standing out is that most men perceive respect as their entitlement. Most of them assume that their manhood comes with respect hanged upon it. Even those who are not worthy of respect, expect it. Yet, nothing could be further from the truth.

This is a fundamental problem in many relationships. Where men demand for respect from women they have not regarded with proper respect. To respect someone is to esteem that person and view them as worthy of high regard. Mutual respect is key to the success of any relationship.

Healthy relationships are also cemented by mutual submission. It is often preached that women are to submit themselves to men. We forget that submission is two ways. To quote from the holy bible: “Submit to one another out of reverence to Christ. Wives submit to your husbands as to the Lord. Husbands, love your wives just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her” Eph. 5:21,22,25.

Husbands and wives are supposed to love each other in a sacrificial and self giving way. Submission is a self chosen way of loving, that is not imposed by anyone. When you submit yourself to your partner, there is nothing demeaning about it.

Men and women who have chosen to die to their own egos and submit themselves to the love of their partners have always been bullied and labelled as ‘weaklings’. We have a swahili proverb; ” amekaliwa.” In reality, it takes so much strength to be able to harness one’s ego and rein it in to submission. Those who are ruled by their egos are actually the “weaklings.” “Wamekaliwa sawa sawa.”

Submission is the willingness to surrender our right to ourselves, freely giving up our will to have our own way all the time. It means, putting the needs, rights and welfare of another person ahead of our own. This recipe makes for a healthy and fulfilling relationship.