Inspired by Dakar.

He walked into the restaurant a few minutes before its closure. He must have had a rather long night. I hoped he had a great time. He walked in right on time. I was sharing the company of two intoxicating ladies who had nothing else to talk about, but people.

I felt them sip the life out of me. I was dizzy. I wanted to run away. I felt a major headache set in. Their stories were tiring. I looked at the two gossips and wondered how they could never talk about themselves, their lives or their events. Why would they spend a whole morning discussing other people’s lives. How is that even intriguing? I just couldn’t get it. Perhaps it was a distraction from their own emptiness, i thought to myself as i watched their lips rise and fall, tongues swirl and swirl. I tried to change the topic. I couldn’t find anything to scandalize about the weather, geography, history, human psychology, current affairs… Nothing sustained their interest more than rumor mongering.

 

When I saw him, I knew my salvation had come. Indeed, he announced a breaking news item as he sat down. I devoured it with relish. My God! It was like fresh air. Scratch that. It was fresh ocean breeze blowing straight from the Atlantic which sat magnificently to our right, jingling the morning sun rays delicately upon it’s belly.

Soon, we were lost in our own chatter and the ladies excused themselves to go and gossip some more at another location. I blessed the creator and excused them gladly. I kept him company as he took his breakfast. We had other plans. We wanted to visit a museum before the end of our trip. We are both adventure freaks and we were not letting the chance ride by.

Him and I come from way back. Apart from being colleagues at work; his late mother was one of my best friends. We were such good friends that whenever she had other errands to run, I would be heart broken because, who would I spend my afternoons with? I connected with him automatically. Perhaps, it was because he was the son of my late friend, I don’t know.

After breakfast, we walked out of the hotel we were staying in and made our way towards the museum. It was about half a kilometer away. We had 3 hours to kill before our check out so we decided to spend them there. It was the city of Dakar in Senegal. We visited the Leopold Sedar Senghor residence museum. He was the first president of the nation. I could drift into politics and history, but i choose not to.

One thing stood out for me at the residence museum, third floor.

It housed the private office suite of the late president and the executive sleeping chambers. The couple had separate sleeping chambers. It looked like a duplex of sorts with two completely separate entries. Her space was feminine. Peachy and creamy and flowery and delicate. Everything was a bit exaggerated, in a very dreamy, feminine manner. It was a room that spelled elegance and glamour in a very french sense. Indeed, it was fit for a queen. His cave was basic. You couldn’t believe the president slept there. It was as simple and as basic as a man could be. Dark and navy tones played around it, no tubs… Just a shower. A simple bed that couldn’t be more than 4 inches wide. Then, there was the secret hallway that connected the two rooms. It was tall and sneaky.looked like it held a lot of secrets.

I could imagine myself working up a fury in my peachy and creamy and flowery and delicate chambers because Mr president – oh… hubby didn’t see the note I slid under his pillow requesting the pleasure of his company. Or… Him sending his blushing bodyguard to summon and escort me to his chamber for an urgent rendezvous between meetings. Oh lala! Oui! Oui!

I never saw such a thing in Nabakholo, Bukembe, Mabanga, or any other far and wide town around where I was born and raised. I was awestruck! This was actually possible?? Married couples could sleep separately? Oh my! Eureka! This was astonishingly amazing! I loved the idea. I figured that if familiarity bred contempt then separate chambers could hold some level of mystic, flexibility, charm and freedom.

I was having ideas. Now, you just have to believe me when I tell you that i enjoy sleeping alone. In fact, I absolutely enjoy nights when I get to sleep alone… It is sheer bliss.
Don’t get me wrong. Please, understand that i love my man to bits and pieces. Of course I am married. Yes, I knew before hand that we would be sharing a bedroom, bathroom and a bed. I even looked forward to it (tongue in cheek).

Life happened. For whatever reason, I became a very light sleeper after our second child. Every little distraction startled me, and needless to say, I could not sleep ever again. When I am not well rested, I get cranky, moody and irritable. Let’s just say that, in that state; any little thing flares me up. My emotional threshold thins out and kicks up a cloud of dust in its wake.

He snores like a thunderstorm. When he is sleeping upstairs you would be tempted to bring in reinforcements to hold up the first floor. Dear Lord, I could say the tremors can be measured in velocity.
It would drive me insane! Being a light sleeper… We would get into bed and in 39seconds, he would be asleep. Snoring! Like a thunderstorm! I would just lie there and stare at the ceiling.

On such nights, i usually would have a prayer. Just one prayer… Even the angels in know it and they began to intercede for me whenever they saw this scenario play out. My prayer: “may i sleep please? Thank you.”

Oh my! We are different. He is often hot. I am mostly cold. I love to cover myself from head to toe. I love the comfort of the linens wrapped all around me. I cover up even on hot days. You guessed it right. He is the extreme opposite! Our bed is always a skew. One side up the other down.

We love to travel, we love water and islands. Coastal areas have the sticky warm humid air that hangs stubbornly over your head. So there we are taking a break from our daily routine. Often in some exotic island, beach, savannas, game park or mountain regions. Our room would be magnificent. I am a minimalist. I love clean tidy lines in my living space. He always chooses a room that i would love. That’s always part of the thrill.

Come bedtime and our troubles begin. He sleeps in a cool room. He was raised in the highlands. He appreciates the cooler climates. I was raised in the scotching heat of Bungoma county. It is hot all year round. Often, people from my hometown see with their teeth. Only the brave ones dare to open their eyes. Albeit, just a slit.

So, back to our sweetheart suite where there is trouble brewing in paradise. He needs the air conditioner on at the cooler range. I will not fall asleep in a cool room. I freeze, I sneeze, I just toss and turn. How are these two going to fall asleep, in the same room? On the same bed? You see my point?

So I get extra blankets, he sets the room, just a little cool, not as cool as he would have loved it to be. What a sweetie! We have to live together, huh! We get into bed, I am covered up, he is not. At times we cuddle, then I make him too hot and he retracts in his sleep. Leaving every part of my backside exposed to the cool air gently blowing from the humming air conditioner. The cold air on my back automatically wakes me up. That is why you will find me wondering on the beaches all alone, at the crack of dawn.

I often use this impromptu awake time to read and write; in bed. He loves me in bed next to him. Leaving the bed would cause him to wake up and come looking for me. At times i sneak out like a ninja. In fact most of the material you have read from me, were written lying next to my snoring lover. His snoring is the background music that lulls my soul and soothes my spirit.

My writing often interferes with him as well. Especially, when I use my laptop. There is a certain sound that the keypads produce when typing. i type furiously fast. Even though, he has never complained about it, I know that it somehow interferes with his sleep because, he seems to sleep lighter and snore less while I am typing away.

There are times when I toss and turn too much that he lifts his elephant hands and pins me down. My insomnia interferes with his slumber. I often lay in bed listening to crickets, I can hear neighbor’s toilets flushing. Fighting couples. Broken cars, crying babies, singing drunkards… I hear it all.

So, would I sleep in a separate chamber from my mate? I doubt if I would. We are too much gelled up. We struggle with the dynamics of our lives but… We struggle together. Would I ditch our bed due to his snoring? I thought about it a lot when we had a new born infant in our room and his snoring kept waking him up. He was very conscious about it that he barely slept. He kept on waking up and asking if he had been snoring. Seeing the infant in my arms, was answer enough. He often chose to sleep on the couch so that baby and I could rest better. Awwww… What a sweetie!

Of course he did it secretly without my consent. He always pretended to be working late on a project. Only to come downstairs and find him snoozing away on the couch. I wasn’t cool with that. The infant in our room, was a squatter. So hubby should not be elbowed out of his rightful place by an infant who should be in the nursery. We didn’t have room for a nursery. We were hosting far too many people in our home at the time and had to make do, sharing our bedroom with the infant.

Does sleeping in separate chambers affect your sex life? Absolutely! Both positively and negatively. Marriage can be so long and so daily and so predictable. Many people love some change of scenery. I think having separate chambers would fire up your intimacy a tad bit. This is only for couples who are already enjoying a good relationship. If you are not having a great time in your marriage, then sleeping in separate chambers will only make you more distant.

You will lose the chance to make mid evening impromptu love. Unless you have the power to reach out through the wall into the next room and grab his genitals, ahoy! Needless to say, most lovemaking and cuddling happens in the wake. Some couples claim that they would return to their chambers after all the expressive love in order to get some sound sleep. I always sleep my best in the warmth of his embrace. That is when I am not making him hot.

Whether you keep separate chambers or not, at the end of the day, it is what works best for the two of you that takes the day. There are some seasons that you will agree to keep separate rooms… Could be newborns, sickness, or God knows what. Whatever the two of you agree upon, is good enough. Marriage is a journey with it’s twists and turns. Those who succeed in it are those who adapt to it’s demands. Those who flow with it. Rigidness is one of marriage’s worst enemy.

There are some married couples who live apart together. They keep two different houses on the same block. Others even prefer to live in extreme opposite sides of the city. They say that their marriages are stronger and thriving than ever. Some people love their own space and privacy that they would not back up even for matrimony. Wow! Whatever makes your clock tick. If it feels good do it. You only live this life once. There are no rules really. Make your own rules and keep changing them as your relationship grows. Dare to have an open mind.

There are so many different marital set ups… However, if we really want to enjoy marriage in the way it was designed to be enjoyed by the ultimate creator of the marriage institution, then we have to apply his laws and statutes. What makes it tick is the ability to share our lives. Sharing transforms us completely. It makes us, more kind, more compassionate, and even more patient.

Maybe you are thinking like me: we spend the whole day chasing life and then at night we kiss and vanish into separate rooms, houses… What happens to the pillow talk? Early morning chats, lazy steamy midnight encounters, bumping in the bathroom, the works… Nothing could be farther from the truth. This concern comes from a place of ignorance. When our knowledge is limited, we reason as far as our capacity allows. The reality is that all these things can and will happen or not happen, whether you live under one roof or not, whether you share a bed or not.

The perceived disconnection brought about by sleeping in separate chambers may demand a lot of work, discipline, maturity and dedication from the couple to close up the gaps. However, the distance between two loving souls can never water down the love they share between them. So, when you love your partner, you love them when they are near you or far away. When you can hold them in an embrace, you are grateful. When you can’t, you love them still. You make the best of whatever time you have to share. Be it a phone call or video call or even face to face. True love is freely given and freely received. Real love sets you free. When we hold too tightly on to our relationships we tend to squash the living joy out of it. Believe in your love.